HUMOR - COLLATERAL

Collateral

I accompanied my husband when he went to get a haircut. Reading a magazine, I found a hairstyle I liked for myself, and I asked the receptionist if I could take the magazine next door to make a copy of the photo.
"Leave some ID, a driver's license or a credit card," she said.
"But my husband is here getting a haircut," I explained.
"Yes," she replied. "But I need something you'll come back for."

HUMOR - MIND GAMES FOR YOUR DOG

*Mind Games for Dogs*
1. After your humans give you a bath, DON'T LET THEM TOWEL DRY YOU!
Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the sheets. This is especially good if it's right before your human's bedtime.
2. Act like a convicted criminal. When the humans come home, put your ears back, tail between your legs, chin down and act as if you have done something really bad. Then, watch as the humans frantically search the house for the damage they think you have caused. (Note: This only works when you have done absolutely nothing wrong.)
3. Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly. Then the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare blankly back at the humans. Pretend you have no idea what they're talking about.
4. Draw attention to the human. When out for a walk always pick the busiest, most visible spot to go 'poo'. Take your time and make sure everyone watches. This works particularly well if your humans have forgotten to bring a plastic bag.
5. When out for a walk, alternate between choking and coughing every time a strange human walks by.
6. Make your own rules. Don't always bring back the stick when playing fetch with the humans. Make them go and chase it once in a while.
7. Hide from your humans. When your humans come home, don't greet them at the door. Instead, hide from them, and make them think something terrible has happened to you. (Don't reappear until one of your humans is panic-stricken and close to tears).
8. When your human calls you to come back in, always take your time. Walk as slowly as possible back to the door.

HUMOR - WHAT NOT TO SY WHEN HANGING THE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS

Things Not To Say When Hanging The Lights

Did you know that hanging lights on a Christmas tree is one of the three most stressful situations in an on-going relationship?  The other two danger zones are teaching your mate to drive and wallpapering.
We rush to print with an emergency prompt list of Things Not To Say When Hanging Lights on the Christmas Tree.
--"You've got two red lights right next to each other, goober.  You're supposed to go yellow, green, red, blue, not yellow, red, red, green, blue..."
--"Up a little higher. You can reach it.  Go on, try."
--"What on earth do you do to these lights when you put them away every year?  Tie them in knots?"
--"Come away from that aluminum ladder, kids.  I'm going to fry that sucker."
--"If you're not going to do it right, don't do it at all.  Don't just throw them on, like you do the icicles.  You're worse than your father."
--"Give me that."
--"You've got the whole thing on the tree upside-down.  The electric pluggee thing should be down here at the bottom, not up at the top."
--"I don't care if you have found another two strings, I'm done!."
--"You've just wound 'em around and around - I thought we agreed it shouldn't look like a spiral this year?"
--"Have you been drinking?"
--"Where's the cat?"

HUMOR - POSSESSED COMPUTER!

For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face.

She called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen. The teacher tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced.

I started to type, "Leave me alone!"

They both jumped back, silenced. "What the . . . " the teacher said.

I typed, "I said leave me alone!"

The kid got real upset. "I didn't do anything to it, I swear!" It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes.

Me: "Don't touch me!"

Her: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit your keys that hard."

Me: "Who do you think you are anyway?!" Etc. Finally, I couldn't contain myself any longer and fell out of my chair laughing.

After they had realized what I had done, they both turned beet red.

Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.

HUMOR - THE HAIRCUT

The Haircut

A young man had just gotten his driving permit.  He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you.  You bring your grades up, study your bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it."
A month later the young man came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get a hair cut!"
The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know dad, I've been thinking about that.  You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."
His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"

HUMOR - ONE QUESTION IQ TEST

A One Question IQ Test
======================

Here's a one-question IQ Test to help you decide how you should spend the rest of your day.

There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush.

By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Now, if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?





Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer...














He opens his mouth and says,
"I would like to buy a pair of Sunglasses."


If you got this wrong, please turn off your computer and call it a day.

I've got mine shutting down right now.
(You know you missed it too, so shut down your computer and
take a rest.)

HUMOR - PARENTHOOD

If it was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!

Shouting to make your children obey is like using the horn to steer your car, and you get about the same results.

The smartest advice on raising children is to enjoy them while they are still on your side.

Avenge yourself ~~~ live long enough to be a problem to your children.

The best way to keep kids at home is to give it a loving atmosphere ~~ and hide the keys to the car.

Parents: People who bear infants, bore teenagers, and board newlyweds.

The joy of motherhood: What a woman experiences when all the children are finally in bed.

Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need babysitters and too young to borrow the family car.

Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

Grandparents are similar to a piece of string ~ handy to have around and easily wrapped around the fingers of grandchildren.

There are three ways to get something done: Do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or forbid your children to do it.

Adolescence is the age when children try to bring up their parents.

Cleaning your house while your kids are at home is like trying to shovel the driveway during a snowstorm.

Oh, to be only half as wonderful as my child thought I was when he was small, and half as stupid as my teenager now thinks I am.

There are only two things a child will share willingly: communicable diseases and his mother's age.

Adolescence is the age at which children stop asking questions because they know all the answers.

An alarm clock is a device for awakening people who don't have small children.

NEWS - (HUMOR/ICONIC) SURF MONKEYS ON ENDANGERED LIST

Surf monkey on endangered list

July, 31, 2011

By Kimball Taylor

TaylorEnough monkeying aroud, this guy's for real.

Once upon a time, in the little border pueblo of Tijuana at the frontier of Baja California Norte and Alta California, an unknown artisan experienced a flash of genius and soon gave unto the world the once exotic, now iconic, plaster-of-Paris "Tijuana surf monkey." Standing 12 inches tall, wearing a striped short-john, standing akimbo on his scooped-nose board and offering a look like, well, he's getting totally shacked.
The surf monkey held the top slot among all the borderline bric-a-brac hustled to tourists since at least the early '70s. Within a decade of its creation, this statue that should have insulted surfers' collective image of themselves tipped from lowbrow ridiculousness into cultural status. He graced both the big and little screens, often stood-in for a contest trophy, held a position of importance in many a bachelor pad, and finally earned the moniker, "The Southern California garden gnome." By the mid-'80s, hardly a Baja-wanderer, Navy private, fraternity brother or surf bum existed who did not possess an image of the one they called "Chango."
After wearing out four generations of molds, however, sales of this fading merch-star were eclipsed by upstarts like Bart Simpson and Elmo. Remaining surf monkey statues were placed in dusty corners of border shops. Production ceased, molds were lost, and Chango it seemed, was destined for the great dust heap. This is where Beth Slevcove, a surfer and longtime Baja coyote entered the monkey business.

TaylorOne word: dedicated.

She'd begun traveling to Baja with church groups as a kid and then as a surfer. Over her 25 years of trips, she'd always made time for the counterfeit merchandizing jungle known as the borderline. While friends waited in their cars, she explored the labyrinth of tchotchke stalls. Of the tedious bargaining and the claustrophobic mayhem, she says, "I just love the dance." And what she particularly fell for was the surf monkey. "No self-respecting Mexican family would own one," she admits, but Slevcove bought multiple monkeys on each foray. She gave them to friends and family, but then, well into the new century she noticed that Chango had become harder and harder to find. "After I searched long enough, merchants would pull down beat-up monkeys with bad paint jobs," says Slevcove. "The Tijuana monkey was in danger."
This is when Slevcove began to investigate Chango's origins, inquiring as to the factory that produced him, his creator, and his date of his birth. What she learned was, "Facts are just different on that side of the border. The origin story, the dates just change with the person telling it," she says. Slevcove's search finally lead her, among the multitude of "garage-style" factories that produce Tijuana's mementos, to the owner of one of the few remaining surf monkey molds. The factory still made Chango's cousins: plaster seagulls and the Virgin de Guadalupe. Slevcove convinced the owner into putting Chango back into production. "I decided to turn this love of the monkey into a little import business," says Slevcove. "I imagined it as a way for people to tell stories about their trips to Mexico."
When she began her mission Slevcove believes that between three and five bootleg molds existed in the Tijuana/Ensenada corridor. She has yet to learn the identity of the noble artisan who created him, or the exact year of his inspiration, or how many statues were put into circulation. Though the monkey screams late-'60s kitsch, Slevcove cannot verify a date earlier than '71 or so. Every time she seeks these details, a new story emerges. This ambiguity leaves Chango's Wikipedia entry rather shallow. But what Slevcove has learned is important. The surf monkey originally came in a series of sporty beasts: skiers, bikers, etc. And also, that Chango is not a monkey at all, but a chimpanzee -- which is a primate, like you and I. The most defining element Slevcove discovered however, is the depth to which this statue has penetrated Southern California and border culture. The nostalgia for a Mexico where Chango was a common sight runs deep. So from now on, as many years as Slevcove's passion endures, "The monkeys will reproduce as long as there are hands with which to adopt them."